My wife and
decided in June it was safe enough to maybe isolate at our cottage on Gambier
Island in Howe Sound, about an hour’s travel from our home here in South Surrey.
We decided to hunker down there. We had so much stuff that we had to charter a
water taxi to take it all over.
We figured we’d be safe there. Wrong! Now there’s a new threat: wolves. Yes, you read that right: wolves. The first indication that there was something new on the island was the scat. For those of you who don’t know what scat is it’s basically a typo for shit. I knew it might be wolf poo when I first saw it on the path as it contained bits of red fabric and pieces of a picnic basket. My fears were confirmed when our neighbours trail cam picked up numerous shots of them posing behind his cottage. The good news is that they appear to be Covid aware wolves as they are social distancing. It appears that there’s now a litter of wolf pups. My granddaughters are pressuring me to get them one. I told them I’d need help. They’d have to dress up like Little Red Riding Hood. When the wolfs come up to grab the picnic basket they can reach down and grab a pup, put it into the basket and run over to me. They seem to have lost their enthusiasm for a wolf pup. Don’t understand it.
I like to hike every morning, but
now I take a can of bear spray. I’ve never had to use it, and my friend Dave
advised me not to use it under any circumstances. “Why?” I asked. “Are you
afraid of the damage it will do to wildlife?” “No,” he replied. “I’ve watched
you put on mosquito spray. Half the time you have the nozzle facing the wrong
way and spray yourself in the face.”
So we packed up and came home – just in
time for the smoke. I awoke the other day to be informed we tied Portland Oregon
for the worst air quality on earth! The air quality is so bad you have to chew
it before you inhale it. The good news is that the weather is supposed to break
soon and the winds will shift from the South to the West. I’m just waiting until
they swing all the way north and instead of bringing hot sticky smokey weather
from California will bring icy cold smokey weather from Siberia that are just as
bad or worse than the fires down south.
We’ve been very smug here in BC about
the wonderful way that the NDP government and Dr. Bonnie were handling Covid. In
June we were down to single digits – not of deaths – but cases. Imagine less
than 10 cases a day! Today the count is 166 cases and growing. So much for being
nice and kind. It’s time to take the gloves off! Time to get tough! They’ve just
started to fine scofflaws. Is it working? No. One idiot had a party. The cops
warned him twice BEFORE handing him a thousand dollar fine. Did it work? Not at
all. He had ANOTHER party the next night. He doesn’t care. He’s NEVER going to
pay the fines, and if the government is as aggressive about collecting COVID
fines as they are traffic fines, he’ll never have to pay.
I have a better idea.
One I guarantee will work. It worked in medieval times and it will work now.
It’s tried and true: Stocks. Public humiliation works!
Lock the scoffers into
the stocks and invite passerbys to toss fruit and vegetables that have been
rejected by the Food Bank at them. (Masks will be mandatory and they will have
to stand on the designated spots). Show it on the evening news. I guarantee they
won’t do it again.
I think the time for niceness is done. Dr. Bonnie just
doesn’t have the backbone. You all remember your elementary school teachers
(other than grade one – we all loved our grade one teachers. It’s the ones that
came later). The ones that always tried the kindness routine only got away with
it for so long – until some students (me) realized they had no backbone and
wouldn’t send me to the office if I stood up in class and dropped my pants and
mooned her. These teachers usually lasted about one term before they ran
screaming out into the parking lot, never to return.
It’s time for someone new.
Someone with a backbone and I have the perfect candidate: Nurse Ratched. For
those of you who don’t recognize the name, here’s how Wikipedia describes her:
Nurse Ratched (also known as "Big Nurse") is a the main antagonist of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, first featured in Ken Kesey’s novel, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, as well as the film. A cold, heartless tyrant, Nurse Ratched became the stereotype of the nurse as a battle-axe.
You stick her up in front of
the TV cameras to warn you if you’re caught without a mask, she’ll suck your
brains out through your eyeballs. You don’t believe me? Just ask Jack Nicholson.
Given the dramatic rise in cases, I think it’s only a matter of time until I get
a call from a contact tracer telling me I may have been infected.
“Hello, Is
this Mr. Groberman?” “Yes. Who’s this?”
“I’m a contact tracer from the Ministry
of Health. You may have been exposed to Covid 19. I need a list of all your
contacts over the last two weeks.”
“Okay, last Friday I bought some deli at the
supermarket. I had a mask on, as did the lady serving me.”
“Okay, got that.”
“…
and on Tuesday I was at the liquor store. The lady there also had a mask on and
was behind plexiglass.”
LONG PAUSE
“Yes, continue please Mr. Groberman.”
“That’s
it.”
“Two contacts?”
“Yup, that’s my bubble.”
So now I’m hunkering down again.
To quote my good friend Dave when I asked him what he was doing lately. “Trying
not to die.”
I hope all of you are keeping safe, and wearing a mask and
practicing social distancing… our I’ll sick Nurse Ratched on you.